Cease to exist

i am incapable of real change, I have tried it you know, plenty of times but I find myself in the same damn circle every single time. Coming back again and again to my old self, its quite tiring to be honest. I wish we just had options of ceasing to exist without any guilt or fear, just disappear into nothingness without ever being remembered and without any trail left behind us.

If we could have that option, I really would jump to use it because I believe that people would be so much better off without me in their lives, not that there are many people whose lives would be affected by my disappearance. I am a mother, I am starting to get how difficult it is to raise a kid, kids are annoying and unreasonable at times and they don’t know what they want like some adults like me. It takes lots of patience and sometimes I don’t quite feel like I have it, which brings me back to another issue, because of this whole motherhood experience I want to be imagine that my mother also loved me the same way as I love my daughter if not more, but i just cannot forget how emotionally manipulative she has been all my life, I cannot bring myself to empathize with me her, i just cannot, I know that parents are humans too and people should not have perfect expectations of us and for all we know I may turn out to be a worse mother to my daughter than my mother was to me. I know I would miss her and would grieve for a long time if something were to happen to her but I also feel like it would not leave a never ending emptiness in my life, I know its wrong to even acknowledge that.

There is so much that has happened in my life that I lost track of everything I once was, I’ve lost all the confidence, I have lost the ability to not give a damn. I do not wish to be emotionally invested in people but the sad matter of fact is that I am and no matter what I do it won’t go away. Maybe I just need to push it away, keep myself away from people, not that i know many.

Why are we the way we are and if it is because of our conditions then are we to be blamed for the things that we do? Does it ever stop, the annoying voices in your head? And when do they start making sense? I always find myself trying to please people, to make them like me, I am always displaying an attitude that says ‘like me, like me! because maybe if you like me i would like myself too’



I just am and he just is,

There is no passion when we kiss,

They say marriage is bliss,

But who wants to live like this?

Months and  years passing by,

Giving it a try after try

whats the use of giving a good cry

when he always turns a blind eye

To everything I say because it is an inconvenient truth

I have every material possession what could make me upset rather what should?

There is never a rose, not a hug nor a unexpected touch

Maybe I just expect too much

Eight to five jobs

Our lives at  loss

The screen of his phone is his second wife

I so wish I could engage his eyes

No gift no silly surprise

Because this is a fucking real life

Cold beds, cold hearts,  two different sides

No warmth, no lights

I toss and I turn

Feel my body cringe and burn

The screen is still lit

who is this man I live with

So I force myself to pretend that I too don’t care

I pull out my phone and give it a blank stare

I have read everything on my facebook newsfeed

A few cuddles and kisses is all I need

But either I don’t smell good or he just had food

Many other reasons I never really understood

I ask and I ask, I ask too much, where is my ego?

I am not supposed to sell myself short but there is nothing else I know

So I will breathe again and again

Live my life compelling myself again and again

That there is only sunshine here and no sight of rain

Let my smiles mask my pain

Lets forget all that I have written

Lets just say there is love and by it I am smitten


Creme de la creme (of Men)

You know how sometimes you see a damn fine guy and in your head there’s a graphic show of 50 shades of grey playing on and before you know it you just tune out for a few seconds into the blissful oblivion of what could happen if you could have your hands on that man? Well, imagine working with such men, its not often but it does happen.. I had my evil eye on an italian delicacy for quite a while, at the time I did business (real business, not that kind of business) with him I wondered how freaking lucky his wife was and I stopped looking at him that way until few months ago when he mentioned he had separated from his wife..and right after that I had an encounter with a swedish specialty.

Earlier when I thought of Sweden two things came to mind, IKEA and Aurora Borelis not I SHOULD HAVE THIS IN MY BED, PLEASE!. An individual comes to close an official deal in a t-shirt that has never seen an iron but is loosely surrounding a well toned chest and arms, short cargo pants and a cap to top it off under which lie rather greasy hair but somehow he manages to make it work for him. Now, what the pants had inside them is another different story and the whole body comes in one color that is caramel, the kind that you could really write about for hours and hours.
I am starting to think that I have a thing for European Culture now but then again I love Liam just the same or even more,  if you don’t know what I am talking about then please do yourself a favor and watch THOR.
Until then,
Captain Dirty Mind
Signing Off 

Come to the unknown (Not literally)

O Ye Potential Reader/Follower/Stalker/Lover

I have been told many times to shut my big hole, and no I don’t mean my vagina by it, although now that I think of it even that needs to be shut from time to time. So I thought that *hey let me write down all the things that come to my big hole without having to censor it*

So welcome all you dirty minded, for here you shall find an abode that no other place offers you except for some places in amsterdam.