i am incapable of real change, I have tried it you know, plenty of times but I find myself in the same damn circle every single time. Coming back again and again to my old self, its quite tiring to be honest. I wish we just had options of ceasing to exist without any guilt or fear, just disappear into nothingness without ever being remembered and without any trail left behind us.
If we could have that option, I really would jump to use it because I believe that people would be so much better off without me in their lives, not that there are many people whose lives would be affected by my disappearance. I am a mother, I am starting to get how difficult it is to raise a kid, kids are annoying and unreasonable at times and they don’t know what they want like some adults like me. It takes lots of patience and sometimes I don’t quite feel like I have it, which brings me back to another issue, because of this whole motherhood experience I want to be imagine that my mother also loved me the same way as I love my daughter if not more, but i just cannot forget how emotionally manipulative she has been all my life, I cannot bring myself to empathize with me her, i just cannot, I know that parents are humans too and people should not have perfect expectations of us and for all we know I may turn out to be a worse mother to my daughter than my mother was to me. I know I would miss her and would grieve for a long time if something were to happen to her but I also feel like it would not leave a never ending emptiness in my life, I know its wrong to even acknowledge that.
There is so much that has happened in my life that I lost track of everything I once was, I’ve lost all the confidence, I have lost the ability to not give a damn. I do not wish to be emotionally invested in people but the sad matter of fact is that I am and no matter what I do it won’t go away. Maybe I just need to push it away, keep myself away from people, not that i know many.
Why are we the way we are and if it is because of our conditions then are we to be blamed for the things that we do? Does it ever stop, the annoying voices in your head? And when do they start making sense? I always find myself trying to please people, to make them like me, I am always displaying an attitude that says ‘like me, like me! because maybe if you like me i would like myself too’